The Most Badass Thing I Have Ever Done

So as I said earlier today, I’m trying some memoir writing! Here is my first memoir post!

I walked home from school in the first grade. But not in the same way that our grandparents would tell us when they shook their boney fingers in our faces and reminded us of “the good ole days.” One day during recess I decided I had had enough of school and walked home.

In first grade I had some separation issues and anxiety. I would cry everyday in school. The only thing that got me to stop was my teacher writing my name on a paper star at the end of everyday I did not shed a tear.

So one day while feeling particularly anxious during recess, I walked home. On the side of the blacktop basketball court of our playground there was a path that lead directly to my street. If you turned left, my home was two houses up. It was about a 5-minute walk for your average first grader.

The thought process to execute this plan took some time. I came up with the idea a few weeks beforehand. However, I hesitated to follow through because I feared someone would see me and I would get in trouble. The teachers who supervised recess typically hung out on the other side of the playground, so I wasn’t worried about them noticing me as much I worried about my peers noticing me. See, the basketball hoop was practically in front of the path. So I worked to find the right moment when all of the sprouting Michael Jordan’s were distracted. A lot came to mind with this daunting task. Should I distract them myself? Yell, “hey look down at the slide! I see someone eating their own booger!” and make a run for it? Or was that too obvious? I decided to wait for a moment when no one was looking towards the path. Hindsight 20/20, I probably didn’t need to wait for them to be distracted. First graders are inherently oblivious.

So the day came, the basketball players all got into an argument, and the teachers were busy chatting about lesson plans, or their kids, or their sex lives, or whatever elementary school teachers chat about. I made my move. I walked into the path and no one noticed me. With each step I took in my Velcro Sketchers I felt free.

Goodbye losers in school! Hello sitting on the couch with Grandma while eating grilled cheese and watching the View! But wait- what if my Grandmother (who took care of my sister and I while our parents were at work during the day) didn’t make me grilled cheese and let me watch to Joy Behar and Barbara Walters argue? I was supposed to be in school after all. Would she send me back? Was this too risky? I stopped at the end of the path before it got to my street and contemplated the very complex situation. On the pro side, leaving meant that I could have my own version of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. I wouldn’t be in school, I wouldn’t miss home, and I would be with Grandma. On the flip side, I could get sent back to school and get in trouble. At the age of 6, I was surprisingly aware that if I had to be sent back to school that it would be a great way to get some more attention and have people realize that I really had issues with being at school. Maybe it would work out in the long run? So knowing that a lot was at stake, I turned left and continued walking to my house. With bravery, excitement, and nerves, I rang my doorbell. Grandma would answer and all would be right again. But after I rang no one came to the door. This was fairly disappointing. Did Grandma not want me during the day? Or was she taking a nap and unaware that the doorbell rang? I stood on my porch for another minute before I left and walked back to school.

As I got towards the end of the path by the basketball hoop, I got nervous that people would see me return and would find out that I had left. So once again, I waited for the right moment and slid back to recess as if nothing had ever happened. It’s probably the most badass thing I have ever done.

I decided not to tell anyone about my adventure. Not my friends, not my parents, not my Grandma. It was my secret until the fifth grade when I realized it was a pretty funny story and there was no way I would have to deal with the repercussions anymore. Grandma confirmed that she was taking a nap, because if she knew that I had showed up on the doorstep during the school day, she would have dragged me back to the first grade without a second thought.

So in the end, I didn’t get grilled cheese, I didn’t watch TV, and I didn’t even get in trouble. The plan I created to guarantee me some extra attention, good or bad, went completely unnoticed and unknown for several years. In the end, I only lost precious recess time.

Changes in this Blog (You Probably Don’t Care)

So not that anyone reads this, but I think I’m going to change the theme of my blog. While I’ll still post pop culture related posts, like the 5 other posts that I have, I think that I might start posting more creative pieces; fiction and non fiction. I’ve recently gotten into memoir writing after a class I’m taking at school, and I want to start short fiction as well. Most of the pieces will probably be funny (at least to me) because that’s what I like writing. I might still through in my opinion stuff as well, but those are the changes I’m making. Not that anyone reads this! I basically just talk to a wall which is A OK with me.

I Didn’t Really Like American Hustle and Other Thoughts on Oscar Nominations

Ah, it is that wonderful time of year again: movie award season. On Sunday Tina Fey and Amy Poehler brilliantly presented us with the Golden Globes, and this morning the nominees for the biggest awards were announced. As usual I am overly opinionated on the Oscar nominations even though they really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. So here are my thoughts on the 2014 Oscar nominations category by category: 

Oh and first I have to admit that I have yet to see Philomena, Captian Phillips. Dallas Buyers Club, and 12 Years a Slave. What was I doing when these movies came out?? (probably watching the Social Network for the 8 millionth time but let’s ignore that) 

Best Motion Picture:

No surprises jumped at me in this list. I’m happy to see Nebraska and Her nominated, and I hope Her takes the trophy home. I personally think that American Hustle has received way too much hype and is not deserving of all of its attention and accolades, so while I’m not surprised it’s nominated I’m still annoyed.  My main question for the Academy is, Why can’t any of you think past October? Good movies came out all year long. Namely Fruitvale Station and The Place Beyond the Pines. Both were excellent films and deserve much more recognition.

Best Actor in a Leading Role

I am very happy to see Bruce Dern nominated, and even though I know America is routing for Leo (which I kind of am too) I will be cheering for Bruce! He was amazing in Nebraska, and if you haven’t seen it run as fast as you can because it is incredible.

I understand that Joaquin Pheonix has made statements regarding his apathetic attitude towards award shows so people don’t typically nominate him; however, his performance in Her was nothing short of brilliant and he earned a spot on this list. I think Joaquin’s name should take the place of Christian Bale’s.

I never thought that I would see Matthew McConaughey’s name on an Oscar ballot, but from what I have heard he gave a great performance in Dallas Buyer’s Club. I have to admit that he kind of creeps me out though and I don’t want him to win for that reason, alright, alright, alright?

Best Actress in a Leading Role

I suppose my biggest complaint for this category would be that Emma Thompson isn’t nominated for her portrayal of P.L. Travers in Saving Mr. Banks. Everything else doesn’t surprise me.

4/5 ladies have won at least one Oscar in their careers, which leaves Amy Adams as the only nominee without one. She gave a good performance in American Hustle and deserves this nomination, but because of my general disdain for the film, I don’t want her to win. I say give Meryl another Oscar because she was great in August: Osage County and I love watching YouTube videos of her die-hard fans reacting to her Oscar wins.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role

Jonah Hill is nominated for his second Academy Award what a time to be alive!

Best Actress in a Supporting Role

I think Jennifer Lawrence is a very talented actress, but PLEASE do not give her another Oscar because I truly believe from the bottom of my heart that she will physically explode from all of the anxiety that stardom has given her.

Best Animated Feature Film

YAY FROZEN! I don’t understand why Monsters University hasn’t gotten recognition this award season, but I can rest easy because Frozen is fantastic and I’m not ashamed to say that I saw it in theaters three times.

Directing

Hey where is Spike Jonze??? Why do I see David O. Russell’s name so much???

Music Original Song

Happy to see Frozen and Her in this category, yet I’m a little surprised that Inside Llewyn Davis wasn’t recognized in this category. The music is what made that film so great.

Writing- Adapted Screenplay

I don’t have much to say about this other than the fact I think August: Osage County had a great screenplay adapted from a play script and should be nominated

Writing- Original Screenplay

Her deserves this award more than any other nominee. I also loved Nebraska’s screenplay. One of the reasons I really don’t like American Hustle is because I thought that the story was poorly paced and I don’t think it belongs here. In my little Oscars utopia The Place Beyond the Pines would take its spot.

Hot Celebrity Dads with Their Kids

I posted this on my tumblr too!

Let’s be honest, there’s nothing quite as sexy as fatherly instinct. So to get you through exams, monday, or just life in general; here are pictures of hot celebrity dads and their kids. Guaranteed to make your heart melt at least a little bit.

1. Orlando Bloom

(source: People)

Look at him cradle that kid. A real pro. I have never wanted to be a baby more in my life.

2. Ben Affleck

 (source: dailymail)

A good Dad always helps clean up a mess. Plus he took the girls out for ice cream. A+ Ben, A+.

 3. David Beckham

 (source: dailymail)

MATCHING SOCCER UNIFORMS? TOO MUCH. Excuse me while I go die of cuteness.

4. Jude Law

 

 (source: inrumor.com)

Carrying one kid AND managing the stroller? Well done, Jude. 

5. Jason Bateman

 

 (source: celebbuzz)

A funny guy on a Disneyland ride with his daughter? What more do we need??

6. Matt Damon

 

 (source: celebitchy.com)

Okay  the fact that he is carrying her tiny purple backpack for her is literally the sexiest thing do not even try to argue with me on this one. Good for you Matt Damon. Good for you.

7. Chris Hemsworth

 

 (source: popsugar.com)

HE IS SO BIG AND STRONG AND THE BABY IS SO TINY. It’s so cute. He’s like a sexy gentle giant.

8. Mark Wahlberg

(source: Just Jared)

More like Marky Mark and the family bunch.

Look I Made a Thing!

I had to make a music visualization for one of my classes. I conceived, shot, and edited the whole piece in one day, so I’ll admit that it’s not the best. But I thought I’d share it anyways!

I Haven’t Blogged in Forever!

Wow the last time I posted here was in May… that’s 6 months without blogging. I feel bad and I also really miss it. I guess I’ve been pretty busy for six months straight. I also haven’t been so opinionated on something recently that I felt compelled to write about it. Which is weird because the Emmy’s happened and what compels me to write and have strong opinions more than handing trophies to celebrities? NOTHING. And that is an honest answer with zero sarcasm I promise. 

But yeah basically the past 6 months have been cool. I had an unpaid, non-credit internship because it was the summer after my senior year of high school. Now I’m in college. I almost made a blog post about coming to college but never posted it because I had to actually pack my belongings. I’m sure there’s a poor draft saved on my computer somewhere. 

I’ll try to post more on here! If people actually read this (which I highly doubt) comment and tell me if there’s anything you’d like me to write about!

See ya soon! (I promise!!)

Sam

I Hate Mike Jeffries

I learned something new this week! I hate Mike Jeffries (the CEO of Abercrombie), his company and everything it stands for.

I don’t find myself shopping in his stores very often, because I graduated middle school a few years back, but his obscenely rude comments have persuaded me to never set foot in one of his establishments ever again.

For those of you who haven’t heard about Jeffries’s view on his business, it is both shocking and disgusting. First he claimed that he didn’t want overweight women wearing his clothes because it set a bad reputation for his brand and scared his target audience. In fact, you can’t find a size above large at Abercrombie, Abercrombie and Fitch, and Hollister. He only wants cool and beautiful people shopping at his stores, and he will only allow cool and beautiful people to work at his stores to ensure that the right audience enters. One of his infamous quotes that captures his idea of his shopper reads as follows: “In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids. Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely.”

I’ll start with the obvious. Discouraging people who don’t fit a certain image from shopping at a store is wrong and I am shocked that there is a human being on this Earth who has the gall to do so.

Not only is Jeffries business strategy obviously rude, but if his audience is cool, beautiful young adults, I think he misses by a mile. Walk into one of his stores and look at the shoppers. They’re middle schoolers trying to blend in by purchasing overpriced name brand clothes while their parents will still foot their shopping bill. They could be the cool kids in their school, but they could also be the kids who are desperate to be the cool kids. All of these kids still sport braces and haven’t hit their growth spurt yet. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with kids who wear braces, I was one myself, but they certainly don’t fit Jeffries target audience.

I’ll admit that when I was younger I strived to be cool and bought clothes from Abercrombie and Hollister. We all went through that phase in middle school: You wore a shirt that said Abercrombie across the chest just so people knew you were cool enough to spend 30 dollars on a T shirt that should be free because you’re advertising the store just by wearing it. But you grow out of this phase by the time you reach high school because by the age of 15 you value individuality more than looking like the most popular girl in the seventh grade.

The young teens and pre teens who shop in these stores also receive the wrong idea of “cool.” Images of a naked anorexic girl riding a horse on the beach aren’t cool. They’re flat out objectifying and very bizarre when you think about it. To be honest, I’m not sure what “cool” is, but it can’t possibly be stripping yourself of your individuality so you can wear a shirt with a moose or seagull on it.

I’ll end this post with a fun fact about Mike Jeffries: He’s 61, dyes his hair blonde, wears Abercrombie clothes daily, and still says “dude.”

Oh and I hope no one ever shops at Abercrombie, Abercrombie and Fitch, or Hollister ever again.

New Tablet, Just for Girls!

         
Great news, ladies! We no longer have to be bothered with the complex, impossible to use iPad. A company called Eurostar created the ePad Femme, a tablet just for us girls!

            The iPad, known for its simplicity, is apparently too difficult for us females to use. Even though toddlers and adorable animals all over YouTube can seem to navigate their way around the ever popular tablet, girls can’t. Thankfully, someone took the time to make one for girls with a pre-set pink background!

            The tablet comes with several apps already downloaded. Once you purchase it you can find the standard social media apps, such as Twitter, Google, and Youtube but they are accompanied by two yoga apps, two grocery list apps, pregnancy apps, a clothing size converter and a multitude of cooking apps. They come with these already downloaded so we technologically incapable women don’t have to stress over the daunting task of downloading the apps we want ourselves.

            The idea that women would even need their own tablet is incredibly sexist. What on Earth is so difficult about using an iPad that someone would even think that girls would need their own? As if women do not struggle enough to eliminate the stereotypes society has set for them, we need a piece of technology to enhance these stereotypes. It is 2013, and time to throw away all gender stereotypes. As shocking as it may be, women do not necessarily belong in the kitchen, and can make a living for themselves. They can also work their own iPad. Time would be better spent creating a tablet for old people, because they truly don’t know what the heck is going on.

            This made me wonder, what would a men’s tablet be like? Does it automatically retweet everything that the “She Wants the D” account tweets? Maybe an app that tells him he’s big and strong while he works out? The background, of course, is jet black with Mila Kunis riding a fiery motorcycle.

            While the ePad Femme is a tempting purchase, I think I’ll stick to using the iPad my mom got for Christmas. And she’s working it just fine, in case you were wondering.

Reasons I Would Rather Catch up on DVR than Go on a Date

(The reasons I’m single)

1. I doesn’t matter if I look presentable
2. I can fast forward through the boring stuff
3. I can turn the TV off if I get tired or sick of it
4. My TV has a mute button
5. I call the shots
6. I don’t have to impress my TV
7. My TV won’t talk about sports, and if it does, I can change the channel
8. The jokes are funny
9. If the jokes aren’t funny, I don’t feel obligated to laugh to boost my TV’s self esteem
10. I can eat like a pig without anyone judging me
11. I won’t have to bore my friends by telling them how catching up on my DVR list went when I’m done
12. I don’t have to pretend I care what someone else is saying
13. The men on TV are attractive

My Thoughts on the Oscar Nominations

The Oscar nominations were pretty much the only thing I had to look forward to this week. I was excited and counting down the days until Seth and Emma would announce them while I was at school secretly checking my phone to find out. But now that they happened, I have to say, I’m not really thrilled. Here are my thoughts on Academy Awards nominations, category by category:

Best Motion Picture:

The only surprise here was Amour, which I had honestly never heard of before 9:15 this morning. I’ve seen Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook, Life of Pi, and Les Mis. I totally agree that they should be nominated. My only beef about Silver Linings being nominated would be that it was just as good as the Perks of Being a Wallflower, which received  ZERO NOMINATIONS. I’ll be ranting about that plenty more in this blog. From what I’ve heard about Zero Dark Thirty, Argo, Beasts of the Southern Wild and Djaingo Unchained they should be nominated too. I hope to see all of them. I’m currently working up the guts to see Djaingo. I want to see it, but I’m scared that I might throw up in the theater.

Best Lead Actor:

I agree with most of it. But where is Tom Holland for the Impossible? That kid carried the movie and was incredible. I also would have liked to see Logan Lerman’s name on that list for the Perks of Being a Wallflower, but I knew that it wasn’t going to happen.

Best Lead Actress:

The only two performances I have seen so far are Jenifer Lawrence and Naomi Watts, and I agree that they were both fantastic. I’m really excited to see Jessica Chastain, she seems pretty fierce in all of the trailers for Zero Dark Thirty. I always think that it’s fun when younger actors are nominated, but Quvenzhané Wallis was only six when she filmed Beasts of the Southern Wild. I really do question whether or not a six year old can deliver an Oscar caliber performance. I hope that when I watch it she proves me wrong, but I’m just surprised.

Best Supporting Actor:

All of these men have won before. Every single one of them. While I’m sure they were all great, I would have liked to see a fresh face in there. I could easily see Ezra Miller from the Perks of Being a Wallflower in this category. All of these men are talented, but some variety or surprises would be nice.

Best Supporting Actress:

This category was pretty predictable. Aside from the fact that I thought Helen Hunt was a lead actress in the Sessions. I haven’t seen it, but she’s nominated for Lead Actress for the Golden Globes.

Director:

I thought Ben Affleck and Kathryn Bigelow had this nomination in the bag. And from what I have read on Twitter, a lot of people think the same thing.

Adapted Screenplay:

My only thoughts here are how angry I am that the Perks of Being a Wallflower didn’t get nominated. If you can’t tell, I’m a big fan of the movie.

Original Screenplay:

I’m SO happy for Moonrise Kingdom! I really enjoyed that movie and wish that it got a little more attention. But, hey one nomination is better than none.

Visual Effects and Make-up:

I’m just clumping these two together because I have the same thought for both of them: Where is Cloud Atlas? When I saw that the whole time I kept thinking, “Wow, this is definitely going to snag the make-up award this year!” And it’s not even nominated.